I landed on my nose trying to do the funky exit on Marichi A today. I’ve been getting it down pat recently, but today I totally collapsed and landed hard.
Discouraging? Kind of.
My body was so disagreeable and I’m just sick and tired of my practice floundering! I know I’m a perfectionist and that the practice is not linear, blah blah blah….but even with this knowledge, I still (foolishly) get annoyed when it just doesn’t go right! These past 2 months of yoga have been very choppy and inconsistent for me.
It seemed virtually impossible for me to complete my practice this morning. It even took me 45 minutes longer than normal! I stopped on 4 separate occasions and crumpled down into child’s pose or flat on my back to cry. I’m not one of those girls who cries a lot, so it’s a little unnerving for me that practicing Ashtanga keeps making me cry!
I guess it should be of no surprise that my breakdowns always follow either intense hip stuff (like Supta Kurmasana) or backbends (Dhanurasana today with a seriously fierce adjustment and dropbacks). Lots of emotion and pain still stuck in this little body of mine.
But it was a hard practice this morning in so many ways for a lot of different reasons. Summer is destroying me. I have so little energy these days. The past few weeks have been very humid…..I definitely know now why my family left this town for months during the summer and headed North when I was younger!
And, that healing of which I spoke? Well, it has totally rocked my world and flipped me on my head. Rocky indeed.
I lay down in defeat half-way through my practice…my mind spinning…angry at the yoga…angry at my teacher, my partner, myself….feeling hopeless and pathetic…homesick too….longing to run away to the place where I used to go for peace back when I lived in CO….a place where I could get still and connect in and be supported by my spiritual community. But I can’t just pop in the car and peace out like that now. I have to stay present with my life here in Virginia. I have commitments and responsibilities here. Escaping and running away in my old ingrained gypsy way has bigger consequences now and that was hard for me to face this morning.
I am filled with a lot of questions right now. Life has felt fairly stable and secure and happy this past year with Boyfriend Yogi. But this healing crisis I’m in the midst of is tossing me through a lot of doubt, fear and confusion. Lots of wondering about all those things that have made me feel “stable”, “secure” and “happy”.
But after a good solid breakfast, a hearty sob session, a mini argument and then a clear heart-to-heart with Boyfriend Yogi, I’m starting to feel a little calmer. Faith is slowly returning and I’m deciding for now to keep at it… to keep practicing…to keep inquiring…to keep teaching…to keep writing…to keep listening…to keep loving…to keep still and grounded here ….to keep learning and to keep an open mind.
Please stay tuned for a new post in the next few days. Keeping in line with the last post about Yoga and Addiction, I will be sharing a powerful Kundlini meditation practice to aid in overcoming addictive behavior.
Blessings to you on your journey.